


Soul in the Shadows

by celedan



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, can't think of anything else
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 06:01:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13160754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celedan/pseuds/celedan
Summary: After a fight with an aggressive alien, Ianto wakes up in hospital... in a world where his father is still alive, his family life still intact and harmonic. With no aliens, no Torchwood. No Jack. He doesn't know what's going on here, if he is hallucinating, or if this is a parallel universe. But he knows one thing: he has to get back home.





	Soul in the Shadows

When he later thought about it, it was like emerging from water back up to the surface. It was a relief to pull air into burning lungs again, but it was also a shock being thrown back above the water when underneath, everything had been calm and peaceful and dulled. Up here, it was loud and harsh and hectic.

All in all, Ianto would have preferred to stay unconscious.

But waking up wasn't even the greatest shock. What was even more shocking was that, when he woke up in a hospital bed, the people that surrounded him weren't the ones he'd expected would wait for him to wake up. No Jack, no Tosh, no Gwen. Not even Owen.

Instead – and if he'd had the strength, he would have scrambled back in horror – he was surrounded by people who were supposed to be his family. And in part, were supposed to be dead.

“Wha...” he croaked, his throat dry and raspy like sandpaper. His mother hurried over, and held out a cup with a straw for him. The water felt good in his dry mouth, cooling his feverish body, but it didn't change anything about the impossibility of this situation. His nervous gaze flicked from his mother to his sister to his father. All smiled at him, relieved, and with tears in their eyes, and a little bit apprehensive. Was he hallucinating? He clearly felt the fever wrecking his body, and the drugs running through his system, making his brain sluggish and his mind frantic.

“It's all right, son,” his father tried to soothe him, and sat down on the corner of the mattress opposite his wife. Ianto had to hold himself back from flinching away. 

“You had an accident, darling,” his mother explained while absent-mindedly caressing his arm. “Do you remember?”

An accident? Interesting, but if she wanted to call being chomped on by an alien, and falling down one storey into a construction pit an accident, then please.

To be truthful, Ianto didn't know if his dead father being here was the strangest thing happening right now; not the first time they encountered something like ghosts after all. But his mother showing this frightening amount of motherly care was somehow even more disturbing.

“What kind of accident?” he asked suspiciously, his speech still slightly slurred and weak, and looked frantically from one to the other with feverish eyes.

“A car accident.” His mother suddenly burst out into tearful sobs. “You were in a coma for three months.”

Ianto's eyes widened in disbelief. “A coma?!”

“They didn't know if you'd ever wake up, son,” his father continued in a calmer voice than his wife. “And if you did, they didn't know if there would be any consequential damages. Your head injuries were quite severe.”

Ianto shook his head weakly in denial, insisting flatly, “I'm fine.” Except for having woken up in Twilight Zone, that is.

“That's for me to decide,” said a new voice, and Ianto looked up to see a young doctor enter the room. He'd half expected it to be Owen. 

His head still reeling from the shock of the new twist his life had taken, and his mind being quite slow at the moment, he blurted out before thinking, “Where's Owen?”

The moment his family's confused eyes turned to him, he knew he'd said the wrong thing, but he had to get to the bottom of this. He just had to! He started to become scared.

“What did you say, darling?” his mother asked.

“I want to know where Owen is. I want him, not _you_.” Slightly childish, he glared at the doctor mulishly.

His parents exchanged an insecure gaze, and the strange doctor frowned.

“He's... home, darling. We couldn't bring him. A hospital isn't a place for a dog.”

Mad laughter bubbled up inside Ianto (if Owen knew that in Ianto's strange hallucinations, he was just the family dog, he would go ballistic). And once more, his mouth worked faster than his brain. “A  _dog_ ?!”

“Well, yes, of course,” his father tried unsure.

“No, I'm speaking of Doctor Owen Harper. He's a friend. And my doctor.”

Now, the looks his family and the doctor threw each other really turned quite alarmed.

Oh god, just shut up, Jones, he scolded himself because even in his mind-addled state, he realised that he only dug himself deeper, but he couldn't stop. He knew the moment their worried expressions turned pitying though that they thought he was crazy, but he had to know what was going on here.

“We don't have a doctor with that name here,” the doctor explained slowly, as if speaking to a child. “I'm doctor Daniel Ness.” Carefully, so as not to spook Ianto, he finally came nearer, and stood beside Ianto's mother who still perched on the edge of the mattress, worrying the sleeves of her blouse between trembling fingers.

“Do you know where you are, Mr. Jones?” Ness asked calmly.

“I'd say Cardiff.” He raised his chin defiantly.

“That's right. But... where do you know this doctor Harper from?”

Ianto bit his lip. In for a penny... “He's a colleague of mine. And so are Toshiko Sato and Gwen Cooper.” He turned almost pleading eyes to his family. “They are my friends. You surely must know them.” Why the hell did he even argue with hallucinations in the first place?!

“No, sorry, Ianto,” his sister spoke for the first time, but he didn't meet her eyes. The pitying look she threw him was too much to bear.

He gulped. “And... and Jack Harkness?”

“Is he another friend?” the doctor asked kindly.

“Yes.” He wouldn't meet Ness' eyes either. Instead he stared down on his clenched fists in his lap gripping the blanket tightly. 

“We've never heard that name before,” his father answered softly, and Ianto's blood ran cold. He thought, until now, he'd done pretty well in this confusing situation, had tried to be rational although all of his instincts had screamed at him to get the hell out of here, but now, everything changed with just this one sentence. Suddenly, a pain so cold and biting settled in his chest that for a moment, he couldn't breath, and black spots danced before his eyes. His grip on the thin hospital blanket became so tight that it threatened to tear the fabric. The concerned voices of his family, and doctor Ness' calm questions reached him only as if through cotton wool. The only thing that counted at the moment was that nobody seemed to know Jack Harkness. And if they didn't know him, didn't know that their son had a boyfriend named Jack (provided they really were his parents and not some ghosts or shapeshifters), that could only mean... Whatever was going on, the thought of a life without Jack was unbearable. Something snapped in him in that moment, and angrily, he batted the doctor's hands away who'd just reached up with a small torchlight to check his eyes. He forced his weak body to rear back from the man before him who immediately grabbed Ianto's wrists to hold him immobile, but Ianto only struggled all the harder.

“What's going on here! This isn't real!” Ianto screamed, seized by a sudden panic attack, shutting his shocked family up for the moment. 

“Calm down, Mr. Jones,” Ness tried to reason with him in a firm voice. “Everything is all right, your family is here. This is just the pain medication speaking.”

But Ianto simply ignored his words, and fought the doctor even fiercer. It was as if a demon had taken possession of him, giving him strength.

Suddenly, the door burst open, and two nurses rushed in, and before Ianto could even notice them let alone react, one of them plunged a syringe in his neck. He cried out at the sharp pain. The drugs they were giving him to calm him down must be the good stuff; Ianto felt them taking effect almost immediately. That didn't stop him from continuing to put up a fight even if it was getting harder and harder with every passing second.

And eventually, his weakened body pumped full of sedatives had to surrender to the doctor's stronger grip, and all the adrenalin faded from his body like air from a balloon. Panting harshly, he slumped back in the pillows.

Agitated, his defiance unbroken though, he glared at every person surrounding his bed anxiously. “You can't be real,” he insisted through clenched teeth. Speaking became more difficult by the minute. “Or  _I_ don't belong here, whatever,” he muttered, finally turning his gaze away, fed up with the whole situation. 

His mother burst out into sudden tears, but he frankly didn't care.

“What are you talking about, son?” his father pleaded with a desperate, shocked note in his voice. 

“I can't be your son,” he continued defeated, the drugs making it hard to think, and they made him melancholic all of a sudden. “I have absolutely no memory of a life with you, but I remember a wholly different life.” His whole body trembled, and he feared that, if he didn't get himself under control, the doctor would do much more than inject him with something to sedate him. In the end, they would shift him to the psychiatric ward if he wasn't careful. He knew that, but what was happening was much too frightening for his addled mind for him to stay quiet. He had to get to the bottom of this. “In the life I remember, you are dead,” he mumbled, looking at his father, then his gaze flicked to his mother. “And you don't give a shit about me. I have a freakishly dangerous job, and the people I work with are my true family. And now tell me, with all these memories I have, do you still think _I_ 'm your son?!”

The room was deathly quiet, the only sound Ianto's agitated breathing. He stared at them, blinking heavily because it was becoming more and more difficult to hold his eyes open. His mother broke out into sobs again, comforted immediately by his father. Rhia stayed quiet in the background, wringing her hands while staring at him with wide, shocked eyes.

“It's all right,” doctor Ness assured the Jones family. “We should give him some time to get his bearings again. Come with me.”

With ge ntle force, the doctor steered Ianto's family out of the room, throwing one last look over his shoulder at Ianto, frowning. Probably weighing up if he should restrain me to the bed, Ianto thought sarcastically. 

He was relieved when they finally left. Lying back, and closing his eyes, Ianto had time to ponder his situation in peace at last even if his agitated mind probably wouldn't come up with anything useful today. Not with all those sedatives running through his blood stream, making him all fuzzy. And obviously hysterical, he mentally added. Where was his normal stoical calmness if not counteracted by God knew which meds they'd pumped into his body, making him careless in what he blurted out to these people...

Ianto frowned, and tried to concentrate now, unravelling the whole mess to start at the beginning.

He remembered driving out with the team. A Rift alert had led them to a construction site this morning... at least Ianto felt as if it had been this morning. There, they had encountered a very unfriendly alien. A struggle had ensued, and the alien had pounced on Owen simply because he was the closest to it. Without thinking, Ianto had thrown himself at the alien the next second to help his colleague. And indeed, the alien had left Owen alone, but instead, it had attacked Ianto. He shuddered as he still felt the burning pain when it had sunk its sharp teeth into his arm. But, opening his eyes, and looking down on his bare arm, now nothing indicated that there had ever been an injury...

And he remembered trying to dislodge the beast from his arm. They had wrestled, and stumbled back, and suddenly there had been nothing under his feet any more. His stomach had lurched with the feeling of falling freely, the same unpleasant feeling you got when on the roller coaster. Then a dull pain that had rattled every bone in his body, then nothing.

Until he'd woken up here. He didn't think any more he was dreaming or hallucinating. It felt too real for that. He clearly felt the slight sting in his hand where he had ripped out the IV in his hysteria, now plunked into another vein on his hand again, and he felt a dull ache throbbing through his head just thinking about this new and highly unexpected situation.

So, if this wasn't a dream, then what was going on here?

Maybe he died, and this was some twisted kind of hell.

But no. That was just his frustration talking, even, a small voice insisted at the back of his mind, if this possibility wasn't all that... well, impossible. The first thing you learned with Torchwood was that everything was possible.

Did he end up in a parallel universe, then?

Probably. It made the most sense.

They knew thanks to Jack and his travels with the Doctor that other universes existed next to theirs, and that it was possible to travel there. The most likely explanation was that he'd fallen right through the Rift which had deposited him in this universe. Well, it could have turned out much, much worse. If... No, when he got back, at least he wasn't a no-return candidate for Flat Holm.

Another explanation was – and the thought alone made his blood run cold – that someone had changed the past to get rid of... of what? Torchwood? Maybe, but in that case, the world seemed surprisingly okay despite there being no Torchwood to save the day. Maybe this had wider consequences than he'd thought. Maybe aliens – or at least alien contact with Earth – were a thing of the past in the first place. Maybe they were alone again on their planet (not alone in the universe, though; he wasn't so arrogant as to think humanity the only living beings left).

All these maybes. It made his head hurt something fierce. The drugs didn't help either. He needed to think on this when he was more clear-headed. But somehow, he doubted that he'd find more reasonable explanations then. The most sensible possibility was the parallel universe scenario. Him having absolutely no memories of this life reinforced this. But if he was here, where was the Ianto from this universe? Had they simply swapped places? Poor guy, being thrown at the mercy of both, aliens  _and_ Jack Harkness. 

“I need to find Jack,” he groaned, and closed his eyes once more. The darkness helped a little with the headache. “He'll have answers. Or at least resources and know-how to help me...”

Because no matter how many possibilities he played through, no matter how crazy or impossible they sounded, he didn't consider, not even for a split-second that he'd imagined Jack. And Torchwood for that matter. They were real. They just weren't  _here_ , wherever here was. Sure, someone with a mental illness would insist on his fantasy being real as well, but this was different. Ianto  _knew_ that Jack was somewhere out there. He just knew. Even if he maybe didn't exist in this world (which he still had to proof); he was real where Ianto came from. 

Defeated for the moment, he tried to let his mind settle down, tried not to think of his predicament for a while. Instead, he tried to calm himself down, remembering happy times with Jack although that made him miss the older man even more. But nonetheless, it worked. Thanks to the sedatives, he felt himself finally drift into a calm if not dreamless sleep.

 

The next time Ianto awoke, coming to the surface was almost as hard and uncomfortable as the last time thanks to the damn drugs. And the moment he heard voices, one of them belonging to this doctor Ness, he just wanted to fall asleep again. He didn't think he was strong enough to deal with this shit yet again. He held his eyes closed, feigning sleep so that he could eavesdrop on the doctor and the other person. Maybe he learned something interesting.

“I'd still say partial amnesia,” doctor Ness said confidently, not tuning his voice down, so he was obviously convinced Ianto was still unconscious. Ianto wouldn't disabuse him of the notion. “He remembers his family just fine, but he says he doesn't remember his _life_ with them.”

“Hm, yeah,” another, quite young sounding male voice said, probably another doctor or rather a junior doctor. “I agree.”

No, Ianto definitely  _didn't_ agree for that would mean that  _this_ was reality!

“But that still doesn't explain why he imagines these other people. And this... organisation.”

Doctor Ness made a thoughtful noise. “We'll have to observe this, and maybe involve a psychologist, but I think he's projecting. Maybe his mind reacted to the trauma of the injury, and wove a wholly different life around it to explain the injury somehow. Just a coping mechanism. An exciting life with  _aliens_ , and people that respect him in his work, where he is able to make a difference, saving people. He seems to me like a nice guy, but I think nobody really takes him serious or respects him.”

Sure, he was so much more respected by his colleagues after all. Ianto had to hold himself back from snorting sarcastically.

“Do you think this will pass?” the other man asked.

Ness sighed. “I hope so. Otherwise, his head injuries have been more severe than we thought.”

“If the hallucinations are caused by head injuries, would a psychologist even be able to help? Maybe the only help the poor guy can get is medication.”

Ianto froze, his breathing faltering. Ev'rything, but not that! They couldn't pump him full of even more drugs, and then lock him away in the psychiatric ward. He would never get out of here that way. He'd never get the chance to get his original life back!

All of Ianto's ironclad self-control was needed to stop himself from hyperventilating, and thus blowing his cover.

Ness sighed. “We'll have to see. I hope this will pass. This poor family has gone through enough already.”

Ianto heard Ness picking up his clipboard, and then the sound of two sets of steps going to the door echoed through the otherwise silent room.

When the door closed behind them, Ianto breathed a sigh of relief, and finally opened his eyes. He stared up to the white plaster ceiling.

There. He knew he'd already said way too much thanks to the drugs. Now, he really had to get a grip on himself if he wanted to ever get out of here.

 

Blinking, he came to with almost no sign of any headaches left this time. He almost felt completely clear-minded again. But his mood immediately sank when he spotted his sister sitting in the uncomfortable looking chair in the corner of the room. At least, it was Rhia, and not their father. He wasn't sure if he could have coped with the presence of a dead man.

Sighing, he cleared his throat to get the inevitable over with.

Rhia jumped, and looked up from the magazine she'd leafed through. “Ianto!” She scrambled up, and rushed over to his bedside. Her wide eyes ran over his prone form, taking stock of him. “You're awake.”

“Yes,” he answered calmly, and propped himself up against the headboard with some difficulty. 

“You all right?” she asked carefully, and gingerly sat down on the corner of his bed.

“I think so.” 

“Great. I'll call doctor Ness.”

“No, wait!” He reached out a still weak hand to grab her arm, stilling her. “Just... wait a few minutes, okay. Let me wake up a little more.” Lest he blurt out even more incriminating things that would land him in psychiatry. 

“Yeah, okay, I'll wait.” Obediently, Rhia sank back down, not even once taking her gaze from her brother. “Do you... do you want to talk? About the things you...”

Ianto grimaced, but nodded with a sigh. “Yeah, that. Don't know what that was all about. Just forget it.”

Rhia frowned, clearly not believing him. “You talked in your sleep, you know. Said a lot of things.” She averted her gaze uneasily. “About aliens, the end of the world. This... Torchwood. And this man, Jack.” 

Fuck. So that was how doctor Ness knew about the alien thing. It was the only thing he hadn't blurted out in his drug-induced hysteria to his family. 

He made a grumbling, non-committal noise, but tried to give his sister a disarming smile. “Really. It's nothing.”

Rhia still didn't seem overly convinced, but obviously wanted to let it go for the moment because she simply nodded. “I'll go, and get doctor Ness now.”

“Yeah, okay.” He gave her a strained smile.

 

A few minutes later, Rhia returned with doctor Ness in tow as well as another doctor Ianto didn't know.

“Good to see you awake again,” doctor Ness beamed at him, but the only reaction Ianto gave to his enthusiasm was a polite nod. “Ianto, this is doctor Montgomery.” 

Ianto eyed the new doctor suspiciously. Was he the one that had accompanied Ness earlier?

The other man stepped forward, and smiled kindly. “Hello Ianto. Or would you prefer Mr. Jones?”

Ianto raised an eyebrow. Nope, another one. But one point for the new doctor since he was the first one to treat him like an adult, not like a child or a lunatic. “As you will,” he replied though since it really didn't matter if the man called him by his given name or his surname. These people didn't matter to him enough for him to care. And it wasn't that he wanted to stay here for long anyway. 

“Ianto then. You may call me Scott if you like.”

Ianto had to bite back an inappropriate Star Trek comment. 

“I'm head of the hospital's psychiatric ward.”

Okay, he'd lost his bonus point again. Ianto so didn't like where this was going.

Doctor Call-me-Scott must have read his thoughts on his gloomy face because he hastened to assure him, “I just want to talk to you. That's all. Nobody will do you any harm.” 

“We'll see,” Ianto muttered, but for the time being, he didn't have another choice than to endure the presence of this man. 

“Ianto,” doctor Ness interrupted. “How are you feeling? Any lingering pains?”

“No. I'm feeling fine now.”

“Very good. Your vitals look good, too. I think you don't have to stay here much longer.”

“That's good to hear. I want to go home.” And it wasn't even a lie.

His sister beamed at his words, and the two doctors looked slightly relieved as well. Ianto didn't correct them which home he wanted to return to. 

“Since your recovery is progressing nicely, I'd like to talk to you if that's all right,” Scott took over again from Ness.

“Sure,” Ianto replied. Just talking wouldn't hurt anybody. Didn't mean  _ he _ had to do the talking after all. 

“Great,” Scott smiled, and pulled the chair Rhia had occupied earlier up next to the bed. 

“Mrs. Davis,” Ness turned to Rhia, “we should give doctor Montgomery a little time to talk to your brother. Maybe you should call your parents to update them in the meantime.”

“Yes. I really should do that.” Rhia nodded, and with a gentle smile at Ianto, she left with doctor Ness. 

At least one of his many questions was answered. Namely if Rhia was married to Johnny in this world. Would have been a very embarrassing conversation if he'd had to ask her. 

But now, he was left alone with the psychiatrist who looked calmly at him, not expecting anything of him for the moment. 

“I'm glad you make such a swift recovery,” he told Ianto eventually while he took out a small notepad and a biro. 

Ianto nodded non-committally.

“Ianto, Why don't you tell me about Torchwood?”

And there it goes, he thought, inwardly sighing in exasperation.

“I'd rather not.”

“Why?” Scott asked friendly.

“Because I say so,” he snapped maybe a little too harshly. If this world had a Torchwood, he didn't want to endanger them. 

Scott held up his hands appeasing. “All right. What about your friends? Owen and Gwen for example.”

“Since Owen seems to be my parent's dog, there's nothing I could further say about him.”

“Your parents have a cat. Do you remember her? Her name is Gwen.”

Fuck. Of course he hadn't known that.

“No. I don't remember.”

“You'll meet them again soon enough,” Scott smiled.

Great. At that moment – and he'd never thought he would ever think like that – he'd rather have the real Owen. 

“Tell me about Toshiko then.”

He kept silent stubbornly. He couldn't give this man any more ammunition that would make him think Ianto was crazy. 

“All right. What about Jack.”

He flinched, he simply couldn't help himself. 

And of course, the doctor pounced on that. “It seems as if he is very important to you. Your sister got this impression as well from what she could glean when you talked in your sleep.”

Ianto kept silent again.

Scott sighed. “Ianto... I get the impression that you want to protect them through your silence.”

Them... Himself... Yes.

“But... you do know that's not necessary, right? They are all safe, locked away in your mind. They aren't real.” 

“No!  _ You _ aren't real!” But he didn't say that out loud. He simply kept his mouth firmly shut. 

But Scott didn't want to let it go. “Doctor Ness told me all about your accident. It was horrible. I did ask your family not to tell you any details until now, but there were other people involved. Some were injured very severely, and a few died. And you were hurt very badly, too, but at the same time, you had to witness what happened to those people.” 

No, he hadn't known what had happened, and he was sorry for the other victims of the accident, and he was even more sorry if his other self really had to be in the middle of it, but this was something that couldn't shock him. He'd seen things much worse than a car accident, no matter how horrible. He'd  _ done _ much more horrible things than that. A car accident couldn't ever give him the nightmares a burning, crumbling building full of screaming, bleeding people strapped to metal constructions could. 

“You see,” Scott continued, “sometimes the human mind isn't strong enough to endure some of the horrors we see. But we all deal differently with that. Some people suppress the memories, or even forget them completely. And some people try to find an explanation for these horrors that are much easier to bear than the simple truth that bad things just happen to good and innocent people in this world.”

“And I belong to the latter,” Ianto replied as detached as possible.

“Yes,” Scott answered frankly for which Ianto was grateful (even if the man was wrong in his diagnosis). “This is a certain kind of schizophrenia you developed.”

Scott observed him intently for his reaction, but Ianto didn't give him the satisfaction of a break down. 

“Your form of development is very strong. The world you created for yourself to deal with the memories of the accident is incredibly detailed. While you were in the coma, your mind was busily cultivating this new life. Otherwise, you would have been all alone in your head with the disturbing images, unable to deal with them, and that would have driven you to desperation sooner or later. Chances stand that we couldn't have helped you any more once you'd have woken up. So, to protect yourself, and to deal with it, you had to invent something that gave you something to do while unconscious, that gave you meaning, and the chance to save people. Maybe even people you've seen get hurt or die in the accident. Perhaps the people you've called Gwen and Toshiko and Owen are people you've seen during the accident. And now you want to remedy that, and do them justice. That tells me a lot about your sense of justice and your caring nature, but I'm afraid, you can't save them in real life any more.”

Ianto balled his hands to fists. It was hard listening to this. This man was only doing his job, he knew, and if you listened to him, it all sounded so logical. Because, really, having been in a coma imagining thinks as a coping mechanism was much more probable than hunting aliens for a living. But Ianto knew better. But it wasn't about the aliens, or even his friends. It was because of Jack that he knew his memories were real. It simply was impossible that the love of his life existed only in his imagination. The knowledge that Jack was real was as fundamental to Ianto as knowing he needed air to breathe. Because when he thought of Jack, his whole body flared up brightly with joy, and love, and longing, with pride to be Jack's, with pain, and sadness, and even resentment. When he looked at the people that were supposed to be his family, then there was nothing. At the very most, there were the feelings he normally held for his family which didn't do these people here justice, though. This family was everything his had never been, but how it should have been. 

Ianto flinched violently when Scott's voice suddenly dragged him out of his thoughts. And he forced himself not to react when Scott put his hand on Ianto's arm encouragingly. “But now this is over, Ianto. You woke up. You escaped the clutches of your coma, and that's a huge step forward. You are safe here. You don't need Torchwood any more. There are people in the real world who want to help you. I am one of them if you let me. You can talk to me about everything. I'll help you deal with the memories of the accident so that you can start healing, and eventually let go of you survivor's guilt. For now, you don't have to be strong any more; there are no threats here, alien or otherwise.”

“What... what if I don't want to talk?” he asked, trying desperately to fight the effects the soothing, calm voice of the psychologist had on him. Because he almost started to believe him...

Scott shrugged. “Then we'll just sit here. But I'd really recommend we talk. I know, you hold your friends very dear. You feel as if they are a part of you, your family, because you went through a lot with them.” 

“They are my family,” his mind supplied, but he bit his lip to keep silent. 

“But your real family is here. They love you very much, and they wish nothing more than for you to come back to them.”

“I  _ am _ here,” Ianto replied tightly.

“Yes, but not completely. You can't live in both worlds.”

That, he agreed on with the doctor.

“You have to leave Torchwood behind.” 

That, he definitely didn't agree on.

“And...” His voice shook badly because even to think of such a thing shook Ianto to his core. “And how would I manage that?”

Involuntarily, a relieved sigh escaped the doctor when he heard this. He leaned forward eagerly, believing he'd broken through to his patient. “Certain persons act for you like an anchor to this world,” Scott explained. “You have to let go of them to return to the real world for good. You have to shut them down like a computer program.”

“How?” 

“We'll talk about this. One step after the other.”

Ianto drew in a deep breath. Should it really turn out to be so easy to get out of here so that he could do research for a way home in peace? By only pretending to play along? 

“All right,” he finally said carefully. “I'll try. But please don't give me any more drugs. I want to keep a clear head.” For the first time, he looked Scott in the eye, pleading with him.

The doctor smiled at him reassuringly. “I really don't think that's necessary. You make remarkable progress already. If we give you something to sedate you or otherwise meddle with your mind, I see the danger of you slipping back into your dream world.”

Ianto slumped against the headboard in relief. “Thank you,” he murmured. 

Scott continued to smile at him. “We'll get through this, Ianto. I'm with you every step of the way if you let me.”

Ianto nodded curtly in agreement.

“Very good. I think we should call it a day for now. I'll clear with doctor Ness when he wants to release you, and then we'll make an appointment for our next session, okay?”

“Yeah, all right.”

Scott held out his hand to Ianto to shake it. “I'll see you soon, Ianto. Bye.”

“Okay, bye.”

And with that, thankfully, Scott was gone. 

 

The next morning, Ness let Ianto go home. He breathed a sigh of relief when he left the hospital, and stepped into the cool, fresh morning air. His parents picked him up. Rhia had stayed at home with the kids since everyone seemed to think too many people at once were too much for Ianto. Or they wanted to protect them from their crazy uncle. Whatever.

The house they took him to wasn't the one he'd grown up in. Maybe with a father who pursued a regular job instead of giving in to daily drinking after the death of his wife, it had left his family a little better off.

It was a nice little house. Not in Splott but in a slightly better, middle class area of Cardiff. Well. Ianto was glad for them that they had a better life than he had. But even the enticing notion of such an intact home life couldn't bring him to want to accept this life, and stay here. This life wasn't for him. 

An enthusiastic white-brown terrier greeted Ianto with loud barking, jumping up and down happily when Ianto stepped over the threshold with his parents. Owen, he assumed. Ianto really didn't understand how everyone supposed that Ianto projected something from the dog to an unknown man. The happy, friendly little dog didn't have anything in common with Torchwood's grumpy, rude doctor. 

A snobby looking tabby was the next one to greet him. Well. She marched past him, and didn't take any notice of him to be more precise. This had to be Gwen, then. 

His parents let him explore the house for a bit on his own, the dog (he refused to call him Owen) by his side every step of the way, wagging its tail excitedly. It was as cosy on the inside as it was nice and domestic on the outside. There was even a real fireplace in the living room. Upstairs, he found his room. It wasn't a long abandoned children's room but that of an adult, bar from any posters of popstars or comic characters or whatever other things teenagers plastered on their walls. There wasn't even a TV. Instead, lots of books lined the walls, and on the tidy desk there sat a laptop. The whole room was pretty tidy, but Ianto couldn't be sure if that was thanks to his mother or his own sense of orderliness. 

“Huh,” Ianto made involuntarily. He still lived at home?! Well, obviously, with an intact family life, he hadn't had any reason to flee home as soon as possible. But still with almost thirty?! This led him to the question though what he was doing for a living. He surely didn't work for a secret organisation catching aliens while living at his parents'. He could imagine the daily conversations vividly. “Mum, I'm out Weevil hunting with my boss and lover, and after, we go over to his for a round of Naked Hide and Seek.” – “All right darling, be careful. Be home at midnight.” Yes... Sure...

“Have to find out,” he muttered, and started to search the room for more clues what his new life had been like until now. Rummaging around in his drawers and shelves brought forth a lot of papers, most of them handwritten notes by Ianto himself. Scanning them quickly, Ianto realised that it were notes on stories and research on historical themes. And there on one of the shelves, he found a book on the history of Cardiff written by... him?!

Gobsmacked, Ianto leafed through the book. He was a writer?! 

When he'd been little, he had wanted to be a famous writer, but living the life he had soon had driven away those dream, making way for bitter reality instead of fleeing even deeper into a fictional world like some people maybe would have. But obviously, in this world, one of his old childhood dreams had become reality. Curious. Next thing he knew, he played in a band or something in his parents' garage (that had been his other choice of career; being a rockstar).

He so needed to find his diary. It would be his best chance to get some answers. 

But before he could locate his diary, his mother called him down for dinner.

 

Dinner was a strained affair. His parents tried to make small talk to fill the silence, and he answered in non-committal noises. He wanted to be polite, but he didn't know what he should talk about with them. They were his parents, but nonetheless, they were strangers for Ianto. He only hoped Rhia wouldn't show up with her family as well. Johnny and the children would be a bit much. He was afraid that he would react negative to Johnny although in this world, they probably had a pretty good relationship. He didn't want to do the man any injustice. The kids probably loved him, too. But that was something, he couldn't bear at the moment. Not until he knew what was going on here. And it wasn't worth it to build up a relationship with these people either way. He would leave here soon.

After dinner, he fled up into his room feigning tiredness. It even wasn't a lie, he really was easily tired at the moment, and without making a further attempt to look for his diary, Ianto fell into a deep sleep. 

 

The next day, Ianto was almost glad to return to the hospital for his meeting with doctor Montgomery. His mother only meant well, but she was like an anxious mother hen hovering around him. 

Rhia picked him up, and drove him, so as if they didn't think him capable of going to the hospital on his own. Okay, he still felt exhausted pretty fast, but he would have managed. 

Rhia even accompanied him into the psychiatric ward as if he was a small child that needed to be mined. But before they could reach the ward, they met Scott in the corridors.

Smiling friendly, Scott shook his hand. “It's good to see you, Ianto. I hope you are well?”

“Yeah, I feel fine,” he mumbled.

Scott shook Rhia's hand as well, and asked after her family. Ianto used the time to opt out of the conversation, and look around wearily. He didn't like hospitals, but it looked like as if he didn't have a choice but to come here for now. He...

“Ianto!”

He froze in shock at the excited voice calling his name, and before he could muster up the courage to look up, he had his arms full with an enthusiastic woman. Her sweet, spicy smell hit his nose immediately. A smell he'd almost forgotten. Instead, it had been covered up with the smell of blood, and smoke, and burning flesh. He felt bile rising up in his throat, and had to breath in through his mouth to block out any smell at all. 

She pulled away from him again, and smiled brightly at him, obviously not noticing how shocked he was.

“I heard that you're awake,” Lisa cried joyfully. “I was so worried!”

“But you are dead!” Ianto croaked, white as a sheet as he stared at her in disbelief. The smile on Lisa's face froze, and she looked suddenly unsure. “Jack killed you!  _ I _ killed you! You can't be here!”

He started to tremble fiercely, and scrambled out of the embrace, staring at her with wide eyes.

“Ianto... No. What are you talking about?! I'm standing right here.”

She reached out to touch him again, but he flinched away though he wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms again. He evaded her confused, even frightened gaze, and took a step away from her. He started to tremble like a leaf. “Go away, please.”

“But...”

Thankfully, Scott read the urgency of the situation correctly. He stepped forward, and gently touched Lisa's shoulder. “I think it's best if you give Ianto some space, Miss...”

“Hallett,” she mumbled. “Lisa Hallett.” She looked confused between Ianto and Scott, and opened her mouth to say something. But then she closed it again, and nodded.

“You call me when you need something, okay, Ianto?” She wanted to reach out again to touch him, but she didn't. Instead, she smiled gently at him. 

He nodded mutely without looking at her, and he could only relax when she was gone. Taking deep breaths to regain his composure, he pleadingly looked at Rhia. “Would you go after her? Make sure she's okay?”

Rhia frowned, but nodded at his request. With one last look at her brother that would have shown Ianto, had he been in his right mind, the same distraught fear he'd read in Lisa's eyes a few moments ago, Rhia went after Lisa.

That left Ianto alone with Scott who didn't say anything for a little while. Instead, he gave Ianto time to get his bearings.

“Shall we go to my office?” he eventually asked in a calming voice.

Ianto gave a curd nod, and followed the psychiatric down the corridor into the psychiatric ward, and into his office. Relieved, Ianto let himself sag into a rather comfy chair Scott had offered him. Still trembling, he wrapped his arms tightly around his upper body, hunching over his middle, and stared onto the floor unseeing. The doctor sat opposite him. He simply looked at Ianto in a calm way which eventually started to unnerve him. 

“Who is she?” Scott asked gently at some time.

“I don't know,” Ianto replied shakily.

“Who is she in the other world?”

Ianto let out a breathy sob, and curled in on himself even more, gripping his head tightly. He felt as if it would explode every minute now. “I killed her,” he whimpered. “Jack killed her. I loved her so much.”

Concerned, Scott sat forward. “Ianto,” he said firmly. “Does your head hurt? I can get doctor Ness.”

But Ianto shook his head vigorously. 

“Okay.” Scott drew in a deep, calming breath himself. “Were you a couple?”

Ianto nodded.

“Why did Jack kill her? And why do you think it's your fault if  _ he _ killed her? That's what you're trying to say when you say  _ you _ killed her, right? That you feel guilty because of her death.”

“I couldn't save her,” he whispered brokenly. “Jack had to kill her. It was the only way. She was a monster... I thought I could still save her... But she'd already left me long before I realised she was gone.”

“What kind of monster?”

Ianto shuddered. “The worst kind imaginable.”

“Why did she turn into that monster?”

Tears spilled from Ianto's eyes, but he continued to stare ahead of him. “Because Torchwood was arrogant.”

“What...”

“No!” Ianto looked up for the first time, his voice angry. “That's classified. You don't need to know. It's in the past, and I dealt with it.”

“Have you really?”

Ianto evaded Scott's questioning gaze.

“Have you forgiven Jack for killing her?”

“Yes,” Ianto whispered brokenly. “I hated him for it, but I realised that he didn't have another choice.” 

“Okay,” Scott nodded gently. “Do you want to talk about him?”

Ianto took a deep breath, slowly building up his inner equilibrium again. He sat up straight once more, a mask of cool politeness slipped onto his face. “No,” he said firmly. 

“All right. As you wish.”

Detachedly turning away from Scott to look out the window, lost in his own musings, Ianto tightly pressed his lips together, dead set on not to reveal any more information to Scott. 

He felt Scott's scrutinising gaze focussed onto him, almost burning him in its intensity, but he forced himself not to react. 

After a while, Scott sighed. “Let's talk another time, yeah?”

Ianto gave a small nod in answer, and was glad that it was over.

 

When Rhia dropped him off at his parents', Ianto immediately fled to his room, feigning tiredness again. As soon as the door clicked shut behind him, his mask dropped, and a shudder ran through his whole body. Trembling, he stumbled over to the bed, and let himself fall onto the mattress, curling up into a ball under the blankets. The shock of having seen Lisa again sat deep inside his bones like ice, making him shiver all over. Rationally, he knew that it wasn't  _ his _ Lisa, but that didn't matter. She looked like her, smelled like her... her smile still made his stomach do somersaults... His love for her had never lessened despite his feelings for Jack, and he still would do anything for her he realised. But this Lisa was okay. She was alive, and happy, and free of Torchwood. No need to burden her with his dark memories. Therefore, he should keep his distance, not sullying her brightness with his darkness. 

But still, he'd like to know what had happened between her and his other self, so he sat up again filled with new determination, and started to rummage through the drawers of the bedside table. And there, in the last drawer, he found the other Ianto's diary. Eagerly, he started to leaf through it. Maybe he should have scruples about reading something so private, but frankly, he didn't care. Getting answers was more important. While working for Torchwood, he'd searched countless personal belongings such as these looking for clues in a murder or a missing person case. It was sad, but he was blunted when it came to other people's privacy. 

 

In the end, he wished that he hadn't read his diary because it once more drove home brutally what he himself had lost. This Lisa had broken up with the other Ianto a few years ago after being together since school. When he looked at this through his eyes, the reason why she had broken up with a younger Ianto seemed petty and small in the face of the horrible events that had led to their separation in Ianto's world. Nonetheless, he vividly could imagine that his other self had been heartbroken. Obviously still was. Ironically, in this world, she was the only woman for him as well. 

They still seemed to have an amicable relationship although, in Ianto's opinion, it had looked like something more the way she had greeted him at the hospital. Maybe she was interested again. A near-death experience sometimes worked wonders to let you realise what you really wanted. Maybe he could intervene. Maybe he could make sure that at least in this world, they had their Happy End. He could at least lay the foundation for the other Ianto. He probably shouldn't open this can of worms, but maybe, it additionally would help himself finally heal... Overcome with such a strong need to hear her voice that it almost hurt physically, Ianto reached for his mobile against his better judgement, hoping, he still had her in his contact list. 

His heart hammering like a teenager's at his first date, he waited for her to pick up with bated breath. 

“Ianto?”

He froze once more, and for a moment, just let her voice wash over him. But then, he nodded, and realised at the same time that she couldn't see him.

“Yeah,” he hastily said. “Hi.”

“Hey. How are you?”

She sounded a little uncertain, but not afraid of him. It was a start.

“I'm better. Really. Lisa, listen... My behaviour today... I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Sometimes... I'm really still out of it.”

She took a deep breath on the other end of the line. “Rhia told me that you had... dreams while in the coma.”

“Yes.” He bit his lip. He didn't have the heart or energy to be rude to her like he did his family. A simple lie would be better for them all. “Bad dreams. And you see, I still confuse them with reality some time.”

“That's all right, Ianto. You were in a  _ coma _ after all! You're entitled to, well, peculiar behaviour.”

“Thanks,” he laughed. “That's good to know.”

She chuckled, and for a moment, they simply enjoyed the amicable moment.

“Lisa...”

“Do you wanna meet me for a coffee?” She beat him to it.

Ianto blinked in surprise. “Oh, ehm... Yeah. I'd love to.”

“Whenever you want. Maybe tomorrow?”

“Yes. I think I can squeeze you in somewhere into my calendar. You see, it's pretty packed what with doing nothing, being mothered by my family. Going to the shrink. You know. All those important things.”

She giggled, and a sharp pain shot through Ianto's heart, but at the same time, he thanked the Heavens that he was granted the chance to hear this sound once more; this little girl giggle, carefree and bright, which she would deny ever making afterwards every time.

“I feel honoured,” she answered full of mirth. “I know a new café. The coffee there's pretty good.”

“Okay, whatever you say. I'm not really up to date on where to find the best coffee at the moment.” Obviously, in this world, nobody had honed him in on the fine art of making good coffee. Maybe it was  _ the _ chance to impress her.

“I'll see you tomorrow then?”

“Yes. Until tomorrow.”

“I'm looking forward to it. Bye.”

He could still hear the smile in her voice after she'd hung up.

 

Ianto felt incredibly nervous when he headed toward the little café Lisa had suggested. The last time he had been that nervous had been years ago when he'd gone on his first date with Lisa. 

And once more, he went on a first date with her. In a way, it was nice that she was his first in so many important aspects in his life whereas Jack – he simply knew that to be a fact – would be his last. A man could fare worse in his life. 

She was already there, and when she spotted him, her whole beautiful face brightened up. 

“You look so much better,” she said enthusiastically, and scrutinised him from head to toe, beaming happily at him.

“I feel much better, yes,” he told her, and they sat down.

“Must be very difficult to come back to the real world.” Sympathetically, she put a gentle hand onto his forearm. 

He nodded, and tried to suppress a shudder. He was overjoyed to be with her again, but it still felt strange, seeing her alive. “It is. But I manage.”

“I'm so glad, Ianto.”

A little uncomfortably, he pressed his lips together. “And... you're not mad? Because of the things I said yesterday.”

“Oh, no! Granted, I was shocked, but then Rhia explained what was going on. I just want you to recover. Just tell me if I can help you in the process. I'm there for you.”

Ianto threw her a genuine smile. “I don't deserve to have you in my life, Lisa.”

“Let me be the judge of that, Ianto Jones, you hear me.” She threw him a cheeky smile, and winked at him. 

He nodded meekly, and suddenly, the waitress was there to take their orders. From that on, he didn't have time any more to dwell on bad feelings; Lisa made sure of that with her beautiful laugh and her wicked sense of humour. And before he knew it, it was evening, the daylight rapidly fading outside, and it was time to say goodbye.

“I had a great day, Ianto,” Lisa told him, and kissed him on the cheek.

He inhaled her scent softly while she was being so close to him, and he smiled involuntarily. “Me too,” he answered.

“We should do that again.”

“Absolutely. I'll call ya, okay?”

She nodded eagerly, then she went her way.

Ianto looked after her until she disappeared behind the next corner, and even then he stared in this direction unblinking for a few moments longer. He felt... carefree for the first time since he woke up here. No. That wasn't correct. If he had to be truthful, he hadn't felt like that in a long time. With Jack, there was always Torchwood or even Jack's immortality nagging at the back of Ianto's mind. But with Lisa, it hadn't been like that. Even when they had been working for Torchwood (where they had worked in the research department, not in the field, so, they hadn't seen any dangerous situations until _that_ day), they had been a normal couple, doing normal, everyday couple things he'd never done with Jack. And that had made him really happy. But that was over, he led a completely different life now. A life where he maybe wasn't completely happy in a Happily Ever After sense, but it was what he had, and he was content.

Surprisingly, spending the afternoon with her hadn't been painful. He didn't suddenly realise how bleak his current life was when he'd gotten a glimpse of Lisa's carefree brightness again that was just within his reach. It had been kinda therapeutic, true, and he would be happy if the other Ianto would get together again with Lisa, but, no matter how much he had enjoyed her company, no matter how much he still loved her, he didn't want her again. He had made a decision. He only now realised it; namely, that he wanted Jack. No other. And that was that.

Suddenly in a strange mood, as if his horizon had suddenly gotten broader, and he himself wiser, Ianto went home.

 

The next day wasn't so pleasant by far. Because today, Ianto had his next appointment with Scott. And if he wanted to or not, he had to go. What should he do otherwise? Up and leave Cardiff, and look for a way home from another place? Not likely. The best chances he had were here in Cardiff, near the Rift.

So, he obediently went to the hospital first for a check-up with doctor Ness who proclaimed him fully recovered again, and then he went to see Scott.

Their conversation went as successful as the last. Ianto still refused to talk about Torchwood, Jack, or Lisa. Instead, he only answered harmless questions Scott had. How he was, how he accustomed himself again to real life, and so on. Granted, he could have simply told Scott the things he wanted to know. It wouldn't have done any harm since everyone thought it was just in Ianto's head anyway, but it wouldn't have felt right. It would have felt like a betrayal. And if there maybe was a Torchwood in this world after all, he didn't want to endanger them.

Ianto therefore was glad when their time was up so that he could leave.

When he opened the door though, his parents and Rhia were waiting outside.

“We wanted to pick you up, dear,” his mother smiled. “And maybe, we could have dinner in a nice restaurant. Just... forget all of our worries for a while, you know.”

He nodded mutely.

“Ianto.” He turned questioningly to Scott. “Would you mind waiting outside? I want to talk to your family for a moment.”

Ianto frowned suspiciously. That couldn't bode well, and suddenly, he had the feeling that his family wasn't here by chance but by doctor Montgomery's orders. He nodded mutely though, and let his family enter before he left the room himself. He didn't close the door completely though, and now he stood right in front of the door to Scott's office, and could understand every word they said inside clearly.

“Do you know a woman named Lisa Hallett?” Scott asked. 

“Ehm, yes,” his mother said, sounding uncomfortable. “She and Ianto were together a few years back.”

“What happened?”

“She broke up with him,” Rhia filled in. “He never told us why, but he never really got over it.” Why? Is it about...” Rhia hesitated, “what happened the other day? What he said?”

Scott sighed. “Yes, I'm afraid so.” 

Ianto really didn't like Scott's serious tone.

“I learned... things from him that lead me to believe that maybe Miss Hallett is in danger.”

His parents gasped in shock. 

“You mean...” Rhia whispered equally as shocked. “What, t-that in his dream world, he really killed her, and now he...”

“Never!” his mother cried convinced. “My Ianto would never hurt someone.”

“But he changed, dear,” his father said sadly. “His injuries made him very sick. You've seen it yourself. He's a stranger to us.”

“Who's Jack?” Rhia asked suddenly.

Baffled silence filled the room for a moment.

“He... Ianto said that he  _ and _ this Jack killed her. So, who is this man? He still won't tell us, but he clearly is incredibly important to him.” 

Scott sighed. “I don't think Jack is a person.”

What?!

“What?!” Rhia exclaimed confused. “But he said... yeah, when I mentioned this restaurant I wanted to visit with my husband, he said that he'd been there with Jack recently, he would recommend it. I don't think that he wanted to mention him, it just slipped out.”

“Well, it's complicated,” Scott replied. 

“Is this Jack a person from his dreams or not?” Ianto's father asked irritated. “And does he exist here in the real world? Did Ianto say something?”

“I think,” Scott tried to explain, “that Jack is a manifestation from his dreams, yes.”

“But?” his mother asked suspiciously. “To me it sounded as if... as if this Jack was his lover. But Ianto isn't...”

“I got that impression as well, Mrs. Jones. But more than that, I think that Jack is, and I know that this may sound disconcerting, Ianto's dark side.”

Once more, shocked silence fell over the room, and Ianto felt as shocked standing outside eavesdropping. Jack should be his what?!

“I've come to the conclusion,” Scott hurried to explain, “that Jack is... something like the Mr. Hyde to Ianto's personality. If in Ianto's mind he is indeed his lover, he will have a strong influence on Ianto because Ianto loves him, seems even obsessed with him. Through Jack, Ianto wants to excuse misconducts though. In his mind, he is sure that Jack did certain things although Ianto did them himself. But since he got Jack, he can be assured of a clear consciousness because Jack did those things.”

“Like killing Lisa,” Rhia whispered shell-shocked.

“Like killing Lisa,” Scott confirmed. “She left him. And in his fantasies, she became some kind of monster, so Jack had to kill her. This is clearly a relapse. And I'm afraid that Jack is a part of his developed schizophrenia that came with Ianto into the real world so to speak when he woke from the coma.”

“You think that... that he really sees this Jack? Now? That he talks to him?”

“Yes, Mrs. Jones. That's a possibility. And like I said, I believe Jack is a strong, negative influence on your son.”

“My God!” his father exclaimed. “What can we do to help our son?!”

“We've got to keep him under strict observation without him noticing. If he feels threatened... But if he shows the slightest signs of becoming a danger to anybody, I must have him committed.”

Ianto didn't wait for his family to compose itself, didn't want to listen to their answers. So, he fled just around the corner, and let himself fall into one of the hard plastic chairs lined up along the wall. Feverishly, he stared at the opposite wall while wringing his hands. 

This was bad. Really bad. Now they thought... It didn't even bear thinking about. It was so unbelievably horrible. He didn't know what was worse. That they thought him a psychotic killer or that they thought he ran around talking to people that weren't there.

Of course, Ianto'd already known that he threaded on thin ice here, but listening to that conversation just now had driven the point home brutally. If he didn't get a grip on himself really fast, being committed to the psychiatric ward wouldn't be a disturbing possibility any more but reality. Up until now, he'd tried so hard not to let slip information of his other life, but it had happened now or then nonetheless because he hadn't been careful. Now though, he had to work up an iron will to get himself in check. He had managed to fool everybody back home, had managed to hide a Cyberman in the Hub's basement for weeks, and all the time, nobody had noticed that something was wrong behind his indifferent, polite, sarcastic mask. Granted, they hadn't really cared, this people here on the other hand did, but nonetheless, Ianto was a good actor. He could do this. Could shove every thought and memory that could involuntarily slip out, and betray him into the farthest corner of his mind. His utmost priority was to find a way back home, and he wouldn't manage that committed to the psychiatric ward. 

“Just play along, Jones,” he muttered. “Be the son they so desperately want.”

That was the only way. Showing them he was healthy and not a threat to anybody. 

Just in time, he composed himself again, and put a neutral mask on his face when his family rounded the corner suddenly. They smiled too brightly at him, and he easily spotted the strain around their mouths. He could understand they were worried, maybe even terrified of him. So, to appease them, he tried to appear as carefree and normal to them as he could. He managed far better than they did, but he had more practice in deceiving people after all.

“Ev'ything all right?” he asked innocently, a non-threatening smile plastered onto his face.

They hesitated for a moment, but then Rhia stepped forward, a false smile on her face. “Yes, sure.”

He nodded cheerfully though inside, he felt everything but calm. “Shall we go then? Dinner?” He explained at his family's blank faces.

“Oh!” his mother exclaimed. “Yes, yes. Of course, darling.” She smiled shakily. 

“Do you have a special place in mind?” he asked, and brought himself to offer her his arm. He felt her shaking when she put his arm through his, but her encouraging smile didn't waver for a second. 

“We'll decide together, all right?”

 

In the end, they chose a nice little restaurant that mostly offered Welsh cuisine. Thankfully, Ianto had never been there before, so the place didn't hold any memories for him, be it good or bad. He tried his utmost to be a good son, and on the outside, he was cheery and seemingly happy, but on the inside, resentment festered inside his soul like an ulcer with every passing minute. Resentment for this whole situation, and furthermore, resentment for this family. The more they tried, the more he hated them. It was so unfair, they only meant well, and he felt really bad thinking like that, but he couldn't change how he felt. The more he watched this perfect family, the more desperate jealousy he felt because he realised that this wasn't his world any more. A few years back, he'd given everything for this perfect world, but too much had happened.  _He_ 'd changed too much. He was too damaged no matter how hard he tried to be normal. No wonder he and Jack fit so perfectly together. Amidst all the death and suffering, this thing they had was the only bright spot Ianto had in his life any more.

Oh God! he thought, I turn into Owen!

Horrified, he downed the last of his wine, gripping the stem of his glass firmly to hide the shaking of his hands.

He had been idle too long now, he realised suddenly. Letting his family care for him, meeting Lisa – as wonderful as it had been –, all this had distracted his mind from the most important task; getting home.

Tomorrow, he vowed, he would start looking for Torchwood.

 

Only because his family or the doctors at the hospital had never heard of Torchwood didn't mean that it wasn't real. So, to be completely sure, Ianto told his parents that he wanted to take a walk to the harbour, and hurried down to the bay, his heart hammering madly in his chest.

Luckily, the Tourist Office was still where it should be. So far so good. Maybe now, he would get some answers.

Tentatively, Ianto opened the door. Before he'd even set foot completely inside the Tourist Office, his eyes darted around sharply, looking for anything that indicated that this was Torchwood's cover entrance. But there was nothing. The right side wall clearly didn't have a secret door, and the bored looking young woman sprawled at the counter... wait a minute. This was Annie! The unfortunate pizza delivery girl Lisa... well, strictly speaking, it was Ianto's fault she was dead, Lisa had been just the weapon. But now she was here. Alive!

And not looking anything like a Torchwood operator guarding the secret entrance.

She looked up from the magazine she was leafing through. “Hi. Can I help you?”

“Ehm, maybe.” Ianto came nearer. “Ever heard of Torchwood?”

Annie frowned. “Can't say. What's that supposed to be? A new club?”

Ianto shrugged disarmingly. “I don't know. Heard it somewhere.”

She frowned harder, a crease forming between her brows as she tried to place the name. Ianto watched her closely in the meantime, but she didn't look as if she was omitting something. He knew her a bit; normally, she'd been much too bored with her job to care for anything, let alone lie about it. And further, he was a good judge of character. He knew when someone lied to him; he'd done it long enough himself, after all. But Annie, she really didn't know anything about Torchwood, Ianto could tell.

“Hm. I can google it if you want.”

“No, thank you. It's all right. I just thought... I'd ask. Yeah...” He cleared his throat. “Well. Bye, then.”

“Yeah, bye.”

And with that, he hurried out of the Tourist Office. Outside, he took a deep, cleansing breath, trying to expel all the crushing guilt just as easily that suddenly had flared up when he'd seen Annie. And she still ended at Torchwood, Ianto mused. Well, not Torchwood exactly, but the location was the same.

Shoving his guilty feelings aside ruthlessly, he returned up to the Plass. That hadn't been very helpful. He didn't know what he'd expected, but nonetheless, he was disappointed that nothing had come of it.

“A world without Torchwood,” he muttered. “Who'd have thought I would miss it.” Grumpily, he made his way home for now.

 

But somehow, Ianto was drawn back to Cardiff Bay again and again, as if by being here, he could be closer to Jack. Every day, he went back. He noticed the looks his parents were giving each other when they thought he didn't see. Full of concern and fear. Somewhere inside of himself, he felt sorry for them, but not enough to stop. His frantic search for a way home would only benefit them as well after all. They would get their real son back.

So this day, he stood on the pier overlooking Cardiff Bay. Smelling the mouldy salt water, hearing the gull's cries, feeling the cold wind on his skin until it was red; all that helped to feel closer to home. To Jack. He had a feeling as if he just had to turn around, and look up at the Millennium Centre, and there on the roof, he would see Jack overlooking all of Cardiff, watching over its citizens like a dashing superhero.

Ianto snorted. It really must look quite bad for him if he already started to get sentimental. But he didn't seem to could help himself. He missed Jack terribly, and if idealising him in his head helped coping, then Ianto would do just that. But no matter how much he missed Jack, in a way, he was glad that there wasn't a Jack Harkness in this world. He wouldn't have endured it when Jack hadn't recognised him. It was better without a Jack here at a...

“Ianto!”

Ianto jumped when the familiar and painfully missed voice suddenly called his name. For a moment, he was frozen on the spot, convinced that hearing Jack's voice was just wishful thinking, but then, he spun around, and indeed, Jack Harkness stood before him. And he smiled at him. He  _knew_ Ianto!

Before he even knew what he was doing, his body had started moving, and he was in Jack's arms. He breathed him in, and relaxed. This was Jack. Not a hallucination or another version from a parallel universe. This was his Jack. The two men clung tightly to each other for long minutes, and parted only reluctantly from each other. Jack pressed a heart-felt kiss to Ianto's lips, and Ianto would have loved nothing more than to lose himself in it, but he needed answers at last.

“What's going on here, Jack?” he asked frantically after they'd ended the kiss. “I wake up in a hospital surrounded by my family, including my dead father to top it off, and they say I've been in a coma for months. And there's no Torchwood in this world. You simply don't exist! And, and I've run into Lisa, Jack! And...”

Swiftly, Jack grabbed him tightly by the upper arms, making Ianto focus his frantic gaze on Jack again. “Ianto, calm down, calm down. I'm here now. Ev'rything will be all right.” Seeing how Ianto's whole body shook like a leaf, Jack drew him into his arms again to give him a moment to calm down. “I'm here,” he whispered, and pressed a kiss to Ianto's temple. “I've got you.”

“What is this place, Jack?” Ianto whimpered, burying deeper into Jack's embrace. “Is this a parallel universe?”

Jack sighed heavily, and gently pushed Ianto away to look him in the eye. “Is there somewhere we can talk in private?”

Ianto blinked confused because he wanted answers  _now_ , but slowly, he nodded yes to Jack's question. Maybe the situation was more dire than he'd thought...

He led Jack down to the pier that led to the Tourist Office. A few metres from the entrance, a bench had been installed. To Jack's questioningly raised eyebrow, Ianto only shrugged. “Nobody ever comes here.”

Jack snorted. “I see. Nothing's changed.”

“Seems so, yeah.”

They sat down on the bench in the weak April sunshine. Ianto would have killed for some coffee right now, but getting answers was more pressing at the moment.

“So,” he prompted Jack who seemed uncharacteristically reluctant to talk.

“So,” the older man sighed, and nervously put his hand on Ianto's knee as if needing to anchor himself. Instead, Ianto picked Jack's hand up, and interlaced their fingers tightly.

Jack sighed once more, but then, he looked Ianto firmly in the eye. “This isn't a parallel universe, Ianto.”

Dread started to fill Ianto. This wasn't good.

“Remember the alien at the construction site?”

“Yes.”

“It bit you.”

“Yeah, I remember. But when I woke up here, there was no indication of a bite. And...” He shuddered heavily. “And I remember falling.”

“That's right, you did, but you weren't hurt that badly thanks to a big pile of sand.” Jack squeezed his hand tighter, and averted his gaze once more. “But Ianto... This world you woke up in, it's not real.”

“What do you mean, it's not real?!”

“All this,” Jack indicated their surroundings, “it's all in your mind.”

Ianto gulped heavily. “I... I don't understand.”

“We were able to identify the alien with a little help from... well, never mind. When it bites its victims, it injects them with a poison. The victims fall into a coma, and...” Jack shrugged helplessly. “The poison induces... dreams. For the victim, these dreams are real. They are so real for them that they can have negative effects on the body still in the physical world.”

“Meaning?” He really didn't want to know, to be truthful.

Jack shrugged helplessly. “When you're hurt in your dreams...”

“The injuries manifest in reality.”

“Yes. Just like in those Matrix movies.”

“That's... inconvenient.”

“Yeah.” Jack gave a pained laugh.

Both men shuddered at the thought, and kept silent for a moment.

“What kind of dreams?” Ianto eventually asked. 

“They are supposed to be happy.”

Ianto scoffed in disbelief. “I'm not very happy here.”

Jack grimaced at the comment, but continued to explain. “We don't know how exactly, but the poison creates dreams that are supposed to be a perfect world for the victim. The broad consent about what people consider a perfect world normally entails family.” Jack grimaced again. “Including dead loved ones.”

“Well, tough, my family isn't really my idea of a perfect world.” Ianto bit his lip before he could say any more. He didn't want Jack to know that for him, a perfect world could only be a world where he could be with Jack. He didn't want to appear too clingy to the older man.

Jack shrugged. “As I said, we don't really know how the poison is able to steer the nature of the dreams, but apparently, that's how this works.”

“But why?!”

“Most people are so glad to suddenly have a functioning, happy family that they don't care that this should be impossible.”

Ianto snorted disbelievingly at that.

“Instead of questioning their situation, they produce a lot of endorphins because of their unexpected happiness. And that's what the alien feeds off.”

Ianto stared at Jack in shock, fury slowly mounting. “You wanna tell me I have to endure all of this because this bastard wants to feed off me?!”

“Yes. It stays close to the victim to feed, and since people are much more happy in their dreams than in real life, they want to stay there. But their bodies in the real world die at some point, mostly, they starve.”

Ianto gulped. “It... it doesn't keep them alive?”

“No. It's easier to just look for a new source of food than go to all the pains of keeping a body alive.” 

“I hope you're taking good care of my body out there in the real world.” Ianto raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

“Of course,” Jack flustered. “You're in perfect, well, almost perfect health, and the alien itself is dead, so you're safe.”

“Okay, that's good news. So, how do you intend to get me out of here? And how the hell did you manage to get into my mind?”

“To answer your second question, we found a device in the archives that came through the Rift in the seventies. Originally, it's some kind of game device where you can create your own virtual reality, but Tosh reversed it so that we could connect it to my body, then yours, and then I was able to get into your mind. Don't ask me exactly how it works. You can ask Tosh as soon as we're out of here.” 

Ianto nodded in understanding, vaguely remembering said artefact. “Okay. And my first question? Can they just retrieve us with this device? My dream is something like a virtual reality, right? So they just push some buttons, end the program, and we both wake up.”

Jack's uneasy silence was Ianto answer enough.

“Jack?!”

“I'm sorry. It won't work that way. Not for you. The nature of the poison induced dream isn't compatible with the virtual reality device. It barely managed to recognise your condition as something similar so that it could connect to your mind, and only with the help of the connection to my mind that is.” 

Ianto stared at him with big eyes, completely baffled.

“What?!” he finally exclaimed. 

“I'm sorry, Ianto,” Jack said again helplessly, and his free hand started to fiddle with the sleeve of his coat. He tightened his hold on Ianto's hand apologetically with the other. 

“And... But surely, there is an antidote that will wake me up?”

“No. We couldn't find anything.”

Ianto's shoulders slumped in defeat. He felt as if the ground had been pulled from under his feet, and he was freely falling again.

“Do you mean that... that I'm trapped in my own mind for the rest of my life?”

Jack cringed, and let go of Ianto's hand to frame his face with both hands. He looked him in the eye imploringly. “There may be a way...”

“But I won't like it,” Ianto concluded wearily.

“No.” Jack slumped back against the back rest of the bench again, looking out onto the bay gloomily.

“So?” he prompted when Jack kept silent. This had to be really bad.

Jack cleared his throat uncomfortably, but when he answered Ianto, he didn't dare look at him. Instead he kept his gaze firmly fixed onto the calm, murky water before them when he began to speak in a monotone voice, “We think that... that we just have to erase this dream. Much like the program of the game. It has an emergency function. If you lose yourself in the game, the scenario you're in can be shut down from the outside which forces you to wake up. It's not a very healthy method since it's quite the shock to your system, but otherwise, people would be trapped in their virtual reality like a junkie in his drug induced haze.”

“So...” Ianto frowned, immediately remembering Scott telling him almost the same thing about shutting his imagined world down like a computer program. “Since I am now connected to the game, you can use this emergency function. But...” Confused, he looked up at Jack. “You said this wasn't possible a few minutes ago, simply switching it off.”

“It isn't. Not from the outside.” Jack still evaded Ianto's questioning gaze. “We think that the only way to end your dream is total oblivion. And that means...” Now, he looked at Ianto again, swallowing heavily. “You have to die.”

Once again, Ianto felt as if he was falling. But this time, he had no hope of ever coming to the bottom. He felt as if he was falling into a bottomless black abyss with no chance of ever coming up to the light again.

He jerked back to reality when Jack called his name over and over frantically, and gently but firmly rubbed Ianto's suddenly ice cold fingers between his hands.

Shakily, he rubbed his free hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers, and taking a deep, calming breath. “But... if it's just oblivion that's needed to get me out of here, what about Retcon?” He looked hopefully at Jack. “I could simply forget all this without dying.”

Jack smiled sadly at him. “That could work, yeah, but we don't have any. If there's really no Torchwood in this world, or even another me, there's no chance to get a hold of any. We can't even reproduce it here without certain alien substances.”

Ianto sighed dejectedly. “And it wouldn't work anyway, wouldn't it? It's not the real stuff, only in my imagination.”

“Not necessarily. Remember, if you're hurt in this world, it has an impact on your physical body. With Retcon, it would be the same. Probably.”

“But we don't have any anyway...” Ianto evaded Jack's sympathetic gaze, his shoulders slumping in defeat. “So, there's no other way. I have to die to get out of here.” 

“I won't leave you to die alone,” Jack promised fiercely. “We'll do it together.”

“But...”

“Don't worry about me,” Jack smiled, gently caressing Ianto's cheekbones with his thumbs. “I'll come back. I'll always come back. The most important thing right now is that _you_ come back to me.” 

Ianto sighed heavily again. “If it works.”

Jack cringed, and he swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat with difficulty. His hands fell back to his side dejectedly. “I can't promise you that. It's just a theory.”

“I understand,” Ianto nodded. Questioningly, he looked up at Jack. “But otherwise, I'll die one way or the other?”

Jack had to avert his eyes, overcome with emotion. “Yes. We could keep your body alive for a while, but sooner or later, your mind will probably fall apart, corroded by this damn poison.”

He looked up again when Ianto gently took his clenched fists, slowly making them uncurl. Desperately, Jack intertwined his fingers with Ianto's again. The younger man smiled confidently at him.

“Then I'll take the chance.”

“There's no turning back,” Jack cautioned.

“I know. It's all right.” There and then, he'd made his peace.

“I could...” Jack had to swallow again heavily, and he felt tears gathering in his eyes he wanted to brush away angrily, but Ianto wouldn't let go of his hands. “I could stay with you, here in your mind. Until...”

“No, Jack.”

“But we can be together here.”

It broke Ianto's heart hearing the desperate, helpless tone in Jack's voice, but he had made a choice. “No. I know that in the real world, maybe I won't have long working for Torchwood either, but I want to take this chance. I want us to be real. And I don't want to let this bastard win.”

Jack drew in a shuddering breath, his bottom lip trembling slightly with emotion. “I'm just not sure I am strong enough to see you die right here before my eyes,” he choked out. “And what when I wake up in the real world, and you didn't make it?! What shall I do then...”

Ianto smiled at Jack softly. “I understand. Really.” He leaned forward to brush their lips together. “But I want you back in the real world, I need to know what we have is not an alien-poison induced lie. All of it. Even if that means I get to get back my broken, fucked up life as well. As long as I get you...”

Jack nodded shakily. “I get that, but why is it so important to you? If it's me you want, then you can have me in either world.” 

“Like I said, I want it to be real. I  _ must _ have it be real. I want to do all these little things again we had out there. It may not be much, but it's ours.” Ianto shrugged. “Weevil hunting. Naked Hide and Seek.” They both laughed brokenly at that. Then, Ianto looked him firmly in the eye. “And I want to sleep with you again.” 

“We could do that here as well.” 

Ianto barked out a sarcastic laugh. “Maybe not a good idea having sex in my head, Sir. Didn't you say any physical... stirrings manifest in the real world as well?”

Jack nodded.

“There you have it. I'd surely die of embarrassment after waking up, and Owen would never let us live this down.”

Involuntarily, a chuckle played at the corners of Jack's mouth. “You're probably right as usual.”

“Of course, Sir,” was the deadpan, nonetheless slightly smug answer.

For a few minutes, they basked in the humour of this embarrassing image together before Ianto turned serious once more. He squeezed Jack's hands firmly in encouragement. 

“I appreciate that you would give me this, and I understand that you want to talk me out of it because you're scared, but... Jack... I won't let myself be swayed. Not by you, not by anybody.”

Jack searched his gaze for a long few minutes. And finally, he read the truth in Ianto's eyes. No matter what he said or offered, no matter how much he begged, Ianto would see this through. Finally, he nodded shakily, giving in for good.

“Okay,” he whispered. 

“Okay.” A small smile flitted over Ianto's face. “So... how do you wanna do this? You wanna shoot me?”

“No!” Jack cried panicked. “I could never do that!”

“All right, all right.” Ianto embraced the suddenly trembling man tightly. “It's okay. We'll find another way.”

He wanted to fall apart himself, they were planning his suicide here for God's sake, but he had to be strong. For Jack, and for himself as well, he had to keep a clear head. Burying his fingers in Jack's hair, soothingly carding through it, Ianto let his gaze roam. The ocean at his back (and no, he wasn't all that keen on throwing himself into the mouldy water as a possible means to off himself), from down here, he could only see the top of the water tower as well as the golden roof top of the Millennium Centre... 

And suddenly, a thought came to Ianto. “What do you say to a little sightseeing above Cardiff?”

Jack pulled away from him, and confusedly followed Ianto's gaze. His eyes widened as realisation dawned, but he nodded gravely. He looked Ianto deeply in the eye. “Together?” he asked firmly.

Ianto swallowed heavily, and nodded. “Together.” 

Jack nodded once more in confirmation. 

 

Hand in hand, they crossed Roald Dahl Plass, and Ianto followed Jack behind the building to a closed door. With the help of his vortex manipulator, Jack opened the electronic lock in just a few seconds. But then, he put a firm hand onto Ianto's arm, barring him entrance into the staircase leading up onto the roof. 

“Your family... do you want to say goodbye?” Tentatively, Jack looked at Ianto from under lowered lashes. 

“No,” was the swift, sure answer. “They're not my family, Jack. They aren't real. So why should I care about them? There is no other me we can bring back to them from our universe when we leave this one, making this right again. It's just in my head. So what if they get hurt by my death. They don't need to know. And they will disappear when I... when I die anyway.”

Jack let out a deep breath. “Okay. Come on, then.”

Together the two men climbed the stairs in silence.

 

“I never appreciated the view up here.” Ianto took a deep, shaky breath while looking out over Cardiff Bay, Roald Dahl Plass, and out onto the sea, the cold wind whipping around them, tearing at their clothes. It was a refreshing sight. Normally, he let Jack go alone up here because the Captain wanted to be for himself, and Ianto only came after him to get him down into the warmth again when he'd stood up here all night, his body stiff and cold so that Ianto had to warm him up again with coffee and his own body. 

“When you've woken up, I'll show you my favourite places,” Jack promised eagerly. “We can watch the sunrise together. Or sunset. Whichever you like.”

“Yeah, that would be nice.” Ianto squeezed Jack's hand. It was unlikely because deep down they both didn't believe that Ianto would ever wake up again, but it was nice of Jack to say it. 

“I...”

“Ianto!”

The two men spun around, and to Ianto's horror, there stood Rhia and Scott. 

“How did you...”

“What are you doing up here?!”

The two siblings fell silent, staring at each other, Rhia pleading, Ianto emotionless. 

“Ianto.” Scott stepped forward carefully, his hands held up before him in a placating gesture. “We can talk about everything, but please come down with us again.”

“There's nothing to talk about.” He squeezed Jack's hand tighter, and took a step nearer to the ledge. He nodded his head at the other man. “This is Jack. So, you can see, I'm not crazy.”

Rhia gasped softly, and Scott breathed an incredulous “You're Jack?!”

“When you are the man he loves, how can you allow this?!” Rhia glared at Jack accusingly.

“It's Ianto's decision,” Jack answered calmly. 

“No, it's not! He needs help, not somebody who helps him to... to...”

“I don't want to fight with you, Rhia. Go home.” Ianto stared coldly at Rhia so that she flinched back from his hard gaze in shocked surprise. 

“You have no idea what's going on here,” Jack tried to explain a little bit more gently. 

“Then tell us!” Rhia shouted, but Jack, too, shook his head. 

“You really wouldn't understand. Trust me.”

Once more, Ianto squeezed his hand, decidedly ignoring Rhia and Scott. “Leave it, Jack,” he mumbled. “Just... just let's do this.”

Jack frowned, and his gaze flicked over to the two others. “But...”

Ianto shook his head firmly. “They're not real,” he hissed. “It's all over in a few minutes anyway.”

Jack scrutinised him carefully, but eventually, he nodded.

They were only one step away from the abyss, but before they stepped over the edge, Ianto suddenly grabbed Jack's face between his hands. He looked imploringly at him. “If I don't ever get the chance to tell you; I love you.”

He surged forward, and crashed his lips against Jack's while he all of a sudden felt Jack's arm surround him tightly. Then, they stepped to the side, the last thing reaching Ianto's ears over the mad pounding of his own blood Rhia and Scott's desperate screeches.

And for the second time in only a few days, Ianto fell.

 

“ What the fuck is happening here?!” 

Wide-eyed, Owen's gaze darted from Ianto's to Jack's vitals that suddenly went haywire. A shrill beeping echoed through the autopsy bay, and Owen darted around to Ianto's side.

“Owen!” Gwen cried. “What's going on?!”

The two women stood upstairs, and stared down on to the scene frantically. 

“Get down here!” Owen shouted, but suddenly, he froze as the hectic beep, beep, beep of the machines keeping Ianto as well as Jack alive just stopped. For a split-second, there was deadly silence in the bay. Then, the horrible noise of both heart monitors flat-lining reached everyone's ears like tinnitus. 

Immediately, Owen reacted, and grabbed for the AED.

“I'll take Jack, okay.” 

Gwen's voice only reached him as if through cotton wool while Owen put the electrodes onto Ianto's chest. “Leave him! Ianto's more important.”

She made a protesting noise, but dashed to his side instead to help with the AED machine.

“Tosh, shut off this fucking artefact!” Owen shouted. “Cut off their connection. I don't want Jack taking Ianto with him when he dies. We still have a chance to save Ianto.”

Tosh nodded, and scrambled forward to disconnect the device from Jack and Ianto's minds quickly. 

“Okay, back!” Owen put the AED onto Ianto's chest, and pressed the trigger. Ianto's upper body reared up under the force of the electro shocks, and for a moment, they all held their breath in hopeful anticipation. But in the next second, the two women slumped in defeat, and Owen upped the voltage. He tried once more. And again. And again.

“Come on, you bastard!” he spat through gritted teeth. “Don't die here on me, understood!”

He tried again, but the persistent noise still wouldn't turn back into a steady heartbeat.

With angry tears in his eyes, he shrugged Gwen's hand off that suddenly squeezed his arm.

“It's over, Owen,” Gwen whispered shakily.

He snarled, and wanted to throw something at the wall, hit something. But he didn't. Taking trembling, choked breaths, he balled his hands into fists, and stared down at Ianto's still form, the constant buzzing sound of the heart monitor mocking him. “Shut it off!” he spat, and Gwen scrambled to turn both machines off. Blessed but deadly silence echoed through the autopsy bay, nobody dared to say a word for a few minutes.

“Stupid Tea Boy,” Owen grumbled viciously, ripping the electrodes from Ianto's chest forcefully. “Couldn't do one thing right. You had to save me, didn't you.” 

“Owen,” Gwen tried to comfort him, but Tosh grabbed her wrist to hold her back. Gwen looked at her with big, tearful eyes. 

“Let him be,” Tosh whispered, and, brushing her own tears away, tugged Gwen over to Jack's body. They held silent vigil, surrounding their leader lying on the second autopsy table they had dragged down here before Jack had taken a plunge into Ianto's mind. Eventually, Owen joined them, his shoulders slumped in defeat, but his face hard and cold despite his tears. Nobody dared to look over their shoulder at Ianto while they waited for Jack to wake up. 

Jack's gasping intake of breath a few minutes later send a pained twinge through all of them because it meant that somebody had to tell the Captain that all of their efforts to save Ianto had been for naught, that his lover was dead. None of them wanted to be the one to break Jack's heart like that. 

The Captain coughed, and gasped, turning onto his side to breathe more easily. “Ianto...” he rasped, and sat up with Gwen and Owen's help. The sudden, ominous silence made him look up, cold dread washing over him like ice water. “No,” he whispered, his frantic gaze flitting from one to the other for confirmation.

“I'm sorry, Jack, he didn't make it,” Owen said softly, pressing his lips together in angry frustration, tears still burning in his eyes. 

Jack stared at Owen while slowly digesting that the worst case scenario had indeed become true. His sight blurred suddenly as tears sprang to his eyes, and when they fell, his sight becoming clear again, he looked past Owen at the autopsy table where his lover's still body lay. 

But he had to look away again quickly, he couldn't bear the sight, and what it implied for his own future.

“Come on, Jack,” Gwen said softly, gently touching his shoulder. “Let's get you out of here.”

Mutely, Jack nodded, and made to slide from the autopsy table propped up by his friends. 

They all froze all of a sudden when a noise ripped through the mournful silence. It was such a strange noise to hear because Jack sat right before them, alive, that they needed a moment to realise what the gasping intake of breath behind them meant.

Barely daring to, they spun around. 

Confused, Ianto looked at his absolutely baffled friends, and patted his chest, amazed that he wasn't dead. “What?! ”

** End **

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know where that came from. Anyway, while outlining a rough draft, I remembered that there was a Buffy episode with the same theme (Season 6), and from then on, I orientated myself a little by this episode. Especially since I don't have any clue about psychiatry, etc. Scott's diagnosis is just my interpretation, I don't know if a real psychiatric would make a similar diagnosis.   
> And for the virtual reality device; I read this in a Doctor Who fanfic somewhere where Jack gets trapped in a virtual reality. But unfortunately, I don't remember which one it was.


End file.
